My Testimony For Jesus

It has been 10 years now since I gave my life and heart to Jesus, and to this day, I have not regretted one moment of it.  My God has blessed me more in the last 10 years than I've ever been in my life.

I had never been to a Salvation Army church in my life until the night I gave my heart to the Lord. I carried too much bitterness in my heart for a very long time, from the verbal abuse of my husband.  I stopped trusting anyone and I did not care for those supposing to be Christians.  I called strife makers and fun makers.  I had enough to deal with in my own little world.  I had a nervous breakdown in 1990 from years of let downs, one after another that left me scarred and feeling very empty and very little feelings at all.

I blamed it all on my husband who made me feel so little.  I stored it all inside like hidden treasure until it hardened my heart with scars.  I went through years of verbal abuse.  I never even knew what verbal abuse was back then; I just took it for granted I was dumb.  It's the cutting words that go deep within your heart and do damage, beyond repair.

I started needing nerve pills because I could not deal with the hurts of life.  I would pop a pill, then pop another, then I needed two or three and soon began taking eight a day to get me through.  I got so addicted, my body would tremble as if I never had them.  Then one day I took the entire bottle, not to kill myself because I was scared to die, but I needed peace.

I ended up in a mental ward for two weeks.  I would not allow my husband to visit.  I started to hate him.  I thought when I got out of the hospital, life would be better but things got worse. Although, by this time my husband had gotten saved, to me it was a little too late.  I could not have cared less.  I had built a wall around my heart that a crane could not move.  I had no more tears, I had no feelings, everything was dead.  From time to time someone from our church would say "You should hear the prayers going up for you".  I'd say "Big deal...don't you tell me how good my husband is".  My brick wall was getting thicker and thicker.  The more he prayed for me, the colder I got.

But God never left my side.  It was after my breakdown that I started writing poems.  It was as if my feelings would come out and flow through my pen.  Looking back now, I can see that God was working on me through my poems, because it took away some of the hate.  But little did I know God was shipping away at the hate in my heart.

On June 18th, Father's Day, I went to church, and at the alter call they were singing "Just As I Am" and without one plea, on the 3rd verse, I walked up to Jesus and fell at his feet.  He took away all the hate and the scars I had in my heart.  Today both my husband and I are serving the Lord.  Life is still not easy for me because I have chronic kidney failure and need a transplant.  I'm in pain nearly 24 hours a day, but I love my Jesus and I will serve Him until He takes me home.

I thought things would be more simple in my life, but things got worse more than I ever thought a human could bear.  I became partially paralyzed from a gland in my neck so the doctors had to remove my gland.  While doing that, they discovered a lump on my left side of the neck.  They never told me about this lump until six weeks later and then they informed me it was cancer, and how lucky I was that they found it when they did.  So I was taken off the transplant list, going on three years now.  I had one blood infection after another, and had to be taken to a city hospital five hours away.  Just as I would get better, I'd get another.  My body was tired and weary from all the anguish I was taking.

In July of 2006 they rushed me to St. Johns hospital again with a very bad blood infection.  I had to go on dialysis five days a week to keep my blood clean.  I was getting exhausted and coming to the end of my rope.  Friday came I and asked the doctor if I could go home.  He flatly refused, and little did I know what that what would happen in the next few hours would tear my world apart forever.

I came off dialysis and was brought back into my room.  Everything seemed normal.  My husband leaned over me as I thought to kiss me.  But the look in his eyes were frightening.  He started to speak but his words were quivering.  I got scared and asked what was wrong.

He said, "I have bad news" and with that, I lost it and started screaming even before I knew what was wrong.  My son was murdered in Scarbrough, Ontario while I was lying in a hospital bed in Newfoundland.  The bottom just fell out of my heart and soul. I had no feelings at all. Because of this, the doctor gave consent for me to come home, and be in our own hospital.

The funeral went on without me.  No good byes or last minute hug.  Last December, I was told I had to have both kidneys removed or I could die.  Another bombshell.  How in the world can I live with no kidneys?  I was scared to death.

It's now one year later. I return to see the cancer doctor in two weeks to see if I am cancer free. They will put me back on the transplant list.

Through it all, I never stopped trusting in Jesus.  Day after day I spend my life in pain.  But not many here know it.  Through it all I love my Jesus more and more.  Because He died that I may have eternal life.  If I never get a kidney here on earth, I won't need one in Heaven.

Praise God for his love

Written by Ann Hart, copyrighted